i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
not ubering you a puppy
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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