It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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