My sheets look like a crime scene.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
