if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
