i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
