When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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