On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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