Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
