She is in my trunk
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
