i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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