i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
