i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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