if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
