just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
