My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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