She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
