I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
