just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
