He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize