He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
