she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
