Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Someone came in the potted fern
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
