my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
