2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
