Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
