Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
