You really coming over, don't trick.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
