first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
