Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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