I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
