They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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