Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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