She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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