I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
