I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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