I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
