youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
