When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
