your room smells of hookers.
And success
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
