Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
