woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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