You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
