I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
