threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
