she was so not down for the gang bang
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
