Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
