Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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