Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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