i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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