One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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