I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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