I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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